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๏~*ChoTa maYa*~๏ "Heady Nectar"A riddle wrapped inside an enigma, covering a puzzle within a matrix in shadow of a Rubik cube April 04 Mei is Akil na?!Since a long while ago, I have a dream. A dream of someone holding me. Someone as shiny as sunlight, as mellow as spring breeze, as special as a shooting star. Someone who has stolen a part of me. My heart is taken away and so as my dreams. I have a dream... A dreaming of him holding my face when he offers me the most gentle kiss. A dream of us having simultaneous sigh when talking about what tomorrow may bring. A dream of how he perfectly wraps his long arms around my waist. A dream of us... together. Since a long while ago, I am dreamy because of someone. Someone who blows me away like a tornado, someone who melts my heart like a volcano. Someone who my happiness lies. I have a dream... A dream of his hair over my face when we share ourselves. A dream of me feeling his restless heartbeat when our souls collide. A dream of us never getting any closer or more heartfelt with just a simple hug. I have a dream... A dream of us together... having each other. April 02 Sonnet XVII I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrows of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, In secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love as the plant that never blooms But carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, Risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; So I love you because I know no other way Than this: where I does not exist, nor you, So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, So close that your eyes close with my dreams. March 28 Love's a game.. Oh maybe I think, maybe I don’t Maybe I will, maybe I won’t Find my way this time I hear you calling me soon One of these days Somebody stays and somebody pays It happens all the time I’ll be leaving, believing you wanted me to Maybe I’m a fool For walking in line Maybe I should try to lead this time I’m an honest mistake that you make Did you mean to? Did you mean Did you mean Love is just a game Broken all the same And I will get over you Love is just a lie Happens all the time Swear I know this much is true And they collared you up And collared you down And coloured you in And I’ve been waiting so long To take you home And maybe I think, maybe I don’t Maybe I will, maybe I won’t Find my way tonight But I hear you calling me soon Maybe I’m a fool For walking in line Maybe I should try to lead this time I’m an honest mistake that you make Did you mean to? Did you mean Did you mean Love is just a game Broken all the same And I will get over you Love is just a lie Happens all the time Swear I know this much is true February 14 What's in disguise?During an important meditation session today, my mind wandered. Not to an unfamiliar place, but to somewhere I'm running away from. What can a dream tell u? What's hidden in your deepest darkest desire? I can spot mine very quickly. It's as clear as a drop of nectar from heaven. My fears always form into dreams. Things I tend to suppress in real life always appear in my dreams. That is how I can tell what my deepest darkest desires are. This dream got me quite well. I chocked. I'm stunned. I objected. Every time I shall fail. Rarely do I pass the tests. This time I'm willing to fail. The magnetic field is too wild. I cant help it. I'm willingly getting burnt. I'll do it all over again, and again.. Just for a heartbeat like that. For that split second, I dont mind.. heaven or hell.. And this time I'm not afraid to say. Yes, I'm falling in love.. February 04 How fast can u fall?Who could be as lucky as I am, I'm curious.. On the worst day of mine, on the day I look my worst, there's always someone thinking otherwise. On one of those days, someone will come to me & think the best of me. To them, I'm perfect. But to me, who is? The secret of my universe is my heart. It never comes clear to me, not then, not ever. I'm used to people claiming to have love at 1st sight with me. What is it by the way? Does it truly exist or it's just lust at 1st sight? How fast can u fall? I've heard the 4 letter words from whom I've met only a week. Yes, there's more than one. What should I believe? What should I do? How fast can I fall? Do I ever fall? The most important question is that, 'When I do fall, does it ever last,' To me? I've started to think that I'd never fallen for real. There's never more than just a crush for me. Merely a fling. Merely a superficial feeling that easily can be changed. Then came along a stranger. To me, I've never seen anything that special. On the day, I thought I'd picked my best, he came along, Made my world tumble. I'm best at detaching and being insensitive. Who'd know better than me to be happy when meeting someone new. I'm best at changing partners. Then my world tumbles. It wasn't clear at 1st though. At 1st it's just someone who brings out the best in me. At 1st it's just someone passing by, the type I'm used to. The type I thought I'd never fall for. Then a week passed by, Something has grown. The ice is breaking. My heart is warm. How many people in your life can u say, 'I can live without u but I dont want to,' to? How many people in your life can u say, 'without u, I'd fall,' to? Not many for me, or never for me.. at least for real. Then one day I cry, now I've cried, Over the type of goodbye that has never had any effects on me. To day, I shall cry. I did fall. I realised his heartbeat means something to me. I realised his shoulder line makes my heart fonder. I realised I might be falling in love. Yet I'm speechless when he asked if he should stay. I'm having something perfect. To me, he's perfect. 'To me, u'r perfect too,' he said. I believe everything coming out of his mouth. I'm falling, Hard. I'm crying, Hard. I did tell him 'there's no such thing as heartbreaking.' I did my share. I was strong. Yet I'm wrong. 'The simple lack of u is more to me than other's presence.' With the record on, he said 'when she watches this vdo without me, she'll be crying.' With that, I sneered & said to myself, 'NEVER!' Without that vdo, I'm now crying. I've already missed him. I'm falling, Hard. 'We're creating a good book', I said. 'We're making memories.' Who'd know better than me about 'having a good time.' I'm crying, Hard. I've already missed us. Friends said, 'it'll pass.' Sometimes they know me better than I do. Sometimes it just comes & goes. Who knows the difference between what's real & what's not? - Certainly not me! One day when the particles rest, when the water becomes as clear as it used to, I'll know. But not today.. certainly not today. December 23 The Beginning VS The End These two words are unavoidably a perfect match. Everything has its beginning and its end. Sometimes it just happens so fast in a blink of an eye. I do get a bunch of these going on all the time. Not long before I become familiar with it, it's gone. The end can come sooner than u imagine. The beginning can happen before u notice. It could also end in the next split second. It's the law of nature.. that is unacquainted, even to me. Most of the time I enjoy the changes - those fresh brand new sensations knocking on my door. The rest of the time I wonder when the circle ends. It has its beginning but when does it end? Where is its end? Most of the time I get tired.. Tired of saying hello. Tired of saying goodbye. Tired of the come-and-go scenarios. My heart always beats so fast over something I cant really put my finger on. Yes, there are just too many beginnings & ends. Too many that I cant possibly differentiate one from another. I cant tell what I feel. I cant tell who I feel it for. I cant possibly say whom my heart beats for November 26 Across the UniverseThis lyrics line now keeps echoing in my ears "Jai Guru Deva OM.. Nothing's gonna change my world"
But really, cant nothing really change my world?
I would have stood firm & confirmed my statement years ago
But not now
Once you let that lil silly feeling called 'luv' grows, your secret garden is disclosed,
now your heart opens the door for someone to barge in
...You're now unsafe...
Now I'm nothing but a flower needs a drop of water
Nothing just a drying land yearning for the rain to fall
My soul dies till I hear the sound of his voice
My energy drops till I listen to his sweet words
Addiction can make you go insane
You'll only be reborn when you get what you crave for
A drop of a nectar from heaven
The phantasm, no one but you create
You fell for it, you believe it
You get lost in it
December 16 The Strange VibeOne of my worst enemies.. envy
Now I wonder why something doesnt happen to me, am I not worth it?
Does it take time for someone's true colour to come out?
Or, is something always there but you choose to overlook it?
Words I've been hearing are so insensitive.. to the point that I think I should get out of this.
People just cant change, nor you want to try doing so. It's just a waste of time.
I think I've found something but I might be rushing into things again.
How come it's irresistible to say no to someone?
How come it's so hard to walk away from something bad?
You darn know what and who is the hazard to yourself but you cant just let it go.
You let it have control over you. You're willing to have restless nights.
For what?
I'm sure that's not a pleasure - it's suffering.
Yet you allow it to happen to you. You embrace it, for some reasons.
The massive pain you feel inside of you when you're with someone doesnt stop you from being with them.
It's some kind of a torture you're after, over and over.
You know it should end.
Sometimes I'm struck with what coming out of his thoughtless mouth, his nonsense actions, his cruel attitudes.
I know there's someone cares for me. More than this little charity I got from him but I just cant let it end.
I dont think I can live my life with someone like this but I'm still not letting it go.
Will you be with someone who doesnt have a heart?
You know he wont feel a thing when you walk away.
I'm really at the dead end.
I want it, I dont want it; I hate it, I love it... confusion is always there.
Should I pray for it to work out or should I pray for another fallen angel?
I just need someone with a heart.. August 17 Back to where I've started As I was wondering before 'how will it end?',
everytime it's played the same song..
'Same old shit, different day' - maybe best describe it.
You cant run away coz in the end you'll just get back to where you've started.
You're running in circle.
You cant break the pattern.
Each time you say 'I'll be wiser next time'
but apparently you're not.
You're just the same old fool.
You thought it'd get easier next time round,
but it's not.
You thought if you hang around long enough you'd know how to play it,
but you didnt.
You keep breaking the same deals, singing the same songs.
They all come back like repeated deja vu..
Nothing is new.. nothing is surprising.
You say to yourself, 'hang on! I've been on this road before.'
Can you handle it better this time?
The answer is a No-No
When you hang around long enough, there's no decent space left.
It's all wounded.
So when the new one come along, it just goes straight over the top of the previous scars.
Each day, it piles up.
But not so soon, you'll be back on the road once again,
asking for more..
Coz you're, and I am too, nothing,
but the same old fool... August 09 Falling into Deep..What's it like to fall in love?
I bet there're thousands of different feelings expressed How do you know you're in love? When do you know you're falling into deep?? For me, I know it when my heart is tickling just by.. looking into the fragmental dimensions of his eyes, feeling the touch of his finger tips against mine, rolling my face around his shoulders, hearing him calling out my name, sniffing the back of his neck when resting my head down there, or holding his hand before I go to sleep. Then I know, I'm in big trouble.. I'm falling into deep July 21 ..Heart Capacity..Imagine all your life you thought 'no way on earth can my heart feel like that,'
then 1 fine day underneath the stars your fate brought you to someone..
You didnt understand what's going on..
All you could feel was that your heart was beating in the funniest rythm but you still didnt know what it meant.
Time goes by; the feeling gets stronger.
When eyes met, when hands held.. your heartbeat goes wrong.
With just the tone of the voice or the smell of that presence, your heartbeat goes wrong..
Sometimes you're in tears with overwhleming emotions you thought you'd never experienced.
He calls it 'heart capacity'
But are you ready for it?
Are you sure you want it?
Downside might be greater than what you've gained.
Are you buckled up for tearing your own heart out?
Imagine your heart capacity can expand to that great extent but what you've got is nothing but what he has left from past wounds..
You'll just realize and say to yourself 'Oh.. that's what your heart capacity for me then..'
And then you cry.. again April 12 A StingSuddenly my heart is painful.. I got a heartache.. I looked up at something I wasn't supposed to. It shouldn't even matter. Past is the past. The word speaks for itself already. Then where's the heartache from. How come there is any? I'm just tired.. so tired.. I don't want to wait. I need an answer. I wish I had the power to foresee the future. If it's predictable, I'd just know where I belong. Now I've no idea... Not a single clue. Pleaseeeeeee, just tell me. Enlighten me.. Don't leave me here in the dark. I'm weary.. When looking at those two mist-like stars I feel the sting.. right to my heart.. it hurts Not being near you is painful, being with you is painful.. Just a dilemma that can't be solved I miss my home January 15 ??Tomorrow Phobia??Are u aware of ur deepest darkest fear?
I think I am...
"Tomorrow," is my fear.
Who knows what today's laughter might bring tomorrow?
Gentle touches and sweet words of today might bring out the worst when tomorrow comes.
..Fear..
I read something I wasnt supposed to today.
The wording is so sweet that I could cry.
It touches me.
But it's not meant for me.
It's someone else's past.
Now I'm the present but who knows how long the present lasts??
Jealousy is out of the question.
That's not whats burning inside of me.
Scared of becoming the past is what has happened
I dont want to be the past..
I'd rather remain the present December 17 Today's thoughtsA learned man's learning shines the brightest
among luminaries capable of critiquing his language. Speaking to an audience of thinking men
is like watering a bed of growing plants. - Tirukkural 72: 717-718 -
Under the hypnotic spell of pleasure
And pain, we live for ourselves and are bound. Though master of ourselves, we roam about From birth to birth, driven by our own deeds. - Shvetashvatara Upanishad - December 12 The preacher says..With the pincers of truth I have plucked
From the dark corners of my heart The thorn of many judgments. I sit in my own splendor.
Wealth or pleasure,
Duty or discrimination, Duality or nonduality, What are they to me? -Ashtavakra Gita 19:1-2 December 11 Deep inside of 'me'I'v my own ways to live.. to react.. to feel.. to treat people..
Not the award wining ways of living though.. but its 'mine' and i need some respects.
Lately all crazy lil things around me gave me a clue..
Now I know darn well why I love to be single.
Im sick of all the whinings.. all those sacastic tones.. all sick complaints.. all the obsession possesion
I hate explaining myself, reporting myself.. I dont need 'that' & I dont 'need' to do that.
My life is 'mine.'
I told someone once when he got too sensitive, 'stop whining, be a man!'
Yes, thats what i expect of a man.. 'only girl whines, baby..'
Countless time after silly misunderstandings, i'll get those annoying texts of apologies, complaints.
I told one girl that drives all the men away that -
'shut up! nobody needs to hear ur craps. If u'v something to say, just write it on ur darn diary.'
To me, thats a good way to handle things.
Tell me, when people throw shits to ur face, do u need them?
I know Im extremely bitchy when someone is crossing the line.
When u start yakking, pouring ur heart out & asking for my explanations, I'll turn my back away.. from u, immediately.
Sometimes even I like u, I could be like that.. I just need no pressure. Dont push me.
When u push me, u'll lose me.
Im done with those explanations.
I dont need those jealous comments hidden in a form of jokes. I can feel them u know?
Everytime.. since forever, when something happens, someone will express his thoughts to me.
But I can tell u that i only turn the speaker away so i dont have to hear him when he talks.
I rarely read things that he writes. I dont feel good.
So I simply shift to 'turn-off' mode.
Only a few know that they should leave me some space.. they'v never texted me to stir the fire.
They'v learnt to be silent.. Silence is gold indeed.
I always cherish those who keep distance, those who know well that they shouldnt bug me.
Stop it! Ur making my crazy!
I know I demand too much of 'me-time.'
But if its 'me'- time then who should be the better judge than 'me'??!
Im a self-centre bitch, yup, thats me.
U think y I always turn off my phone?
I just dont need human contacts.
And Yes! I'll leave the world behind when Im leaving Thailand next month.
Could I ever find peace of mind?
I know that no matter how far I'v run, I cant escape myself.
'Dont let me get me.. Im a hazard to myself' December 08 Your true colour"What am i?" - have u ever asked urself the question?
"What is my nature", I'm asking myself
Am I what i am because i'm wounded or only because i'm a heartless bitch?
"What am i?"
Can someone make me mellow?
When my heart melts, what does it mean?
When i feel the warmth from inside, how does it happen?
Have I done bad things only when I'm in pain.. or that is just my excuse.
"What am i?"
When u met someone & the world stops turning, what is that?
Does it matter?
I know not what i am; I know not what i become.
Yet I know what i need, i know what i 'dont' want.. i know what i despise.
Maybe that will do..
Can i really change?
But if i do not know my true nature then how would i know what changes are the real transformation?
Or maybe i'm not changing.. maybe this's truely me but i'm not aware of.
Or i just turn into a better person.
"what am i?" "To me.. you are perfect""You are that long forgotten dream of bliss come to me,
inviting me into the mists of love - - this time to stay!
A musician that strums and stirs ancient chords deep within.
Finding notes so pure as you play - they shake the earth and open the gates to heaven!
Play on my darling, let's enjoy what nectarruns down from chords so sweety strammed."
..Dec 01, 2006... Benjamin Zac Hildebrand December 02 The supernatural power - An undeniable force?Have u ever wondered how strong u r? How determinded u r?
Are u flickering like a candle's light in an open room?
How well do u know urself?
What do u hold on to?
Now I constantly wake up in the middle of the night, trembling with fear.
No one could cheer me up. Sometimes they could, but only for a while.
When there's no one there but me, it creeps to me again.
Take over my power.. make me weak, for I have changed..
I'm no longer a moving target & it is obvious.
So many times, it catches me off guard.
It has the power to destroy me, I'm partially ruined.
An incurable severe damage is what I am.
I've never won the battle, which has started since 1995.
Every time I hold my chin up high & continue what I'm doing.
But this time, it frigtens me.. too much.
I dont think I can handle it this time.
But we shall see.. in no time. November 28 ... Levana...As the man and the woman in me
unite in love, the brilliant beauty balanced on the two-petalled lotus within me dazzles my eyes.
The rays outshine the moon and the jewels glowing on the hoods of snakes. My skin and bone are turned to gold. I am the reservoir of love alive as the waves. A single drop of water has grown into a sea, unnavigable. - L a l a n - To everyone of us
there must come a time when the whole universe will be found to have been a dream,
when we find the soul is infinitely better than the surroundings.
It is only a question of time,
and time is nothing in the infinite.
- Sai Baba - I felt my heart rate jump
I felt adrenaline pump The split second that I saw you walk in A little voice inside Said better hold on tight Get ready set go youre gonna fall again How fast is a speeding bullet? How fast can superman fly? How fast does a shooting star race across the sky? How fast can a dream come true? All I know is one look at you And I fell in the blink of an eye. I felt my temperature burn I felt the whole world turn Like gravity was pulling your heart to mine When you looked at me like that Quiker than a finger snap I saw you and me forever in record time How fast is a ricochetin bullet? How fast can superman fly? How fast can a dream come true? All I know is one look at you And I fell in the blink of an eye How fast can a dream come true in the blink of an eye? How fast can I fall for you in the blink of an eye? - R i c o c h e t - November 20 Chota maYaYou and I have passed through many births, Arjuna.
You have forgotten, but I remember them all.
My true being is unborn and changeless.
I am the Lord who dwells in every creature.
Through the power of my own maya,
I manifest myself in a finite form.
- Bhagavad Gita 4:5-6 -
Those who realize the Self are always satisfied.
Having found the source of joy and fulfillment
they no longer seek happiness from the external world.
They have nothing to gain or lose by any action;
neither people nor things can affect their security.
- Bhagavad Gita -
To the Divine Goddess who resides in all existence in the form of Confusion,
we bow to Her;
we bow to Her;
we bow to Her,
continually we bow, we bow.
Presiding over the senses of all beings and pervading all existence,
to the Omnipresent Goddess who individualizes creation we bow, we bow.
In the form of Consciousness She distinguishes the individual phenomena of the perceivable universe.
We bow to Her; we bow to Her;
we bow to Her; we bow to Her,
continually we bow, we bow.
- Chandi Patha - November 01 Who destines the fate?ทุกวันนี้มีสิ่งให้เราต้องรอ.. สิ่งที่เราตั้งตาคอย.. สิ่งที่เราคาดหวัง... สิ่งที่ทำให้ใจร้อนรน.. สิ่งที่ทำให้มีความสุข.. สิ่งที่ทำให้อยากร้องไห้
บางครั้งหัวใจถูกบีบ.. ใจเหมือนจะขาด.. บางครั้งพองโตจนเหมือนว่าเรากำลังจะตาย..
อะไรบางอย่างที่ทำให้เราตื่นขึ้นมากลางดึก ลืมตาขึ้นมาในความมืด ผวาเฮือกขึ้นมา.. สับสนกับสิ่งที่เรากำลังคิด กำลังทำ หรือกำลังจะทำ
วันทุกวัน.. ความสุขของเราอยู่ในกำมือใครบางคน เราปล่อยชีวิตเราไว้กับใครคนนึง
กลัวมั้ย.. กลัว.. ถามตัวเองตั้งกี่ครั้งคำตอบก็เหมือนเดิม..
กลัวแล้วคุ้มมั้ย.. คุ้ม..
พร้อมที่จะแลกมั้ย.. พร้อม...
พร้อมที่จะเป็นคนที่แม้แต่ตัวเองยังไม่รู้จัก กลายเป็นคนที่เพื่อนฝูงมองด้วยสายตาที่ต่างออกไป
กลายเป็นสิ่งที่เราเกลียดกลัว.. กลายเป็นสิ่งอ่อนแอ.. ไร้ซึ่งความเป็นตัวของตัวเอง
ทุกอย่างเปลี่ยนแปลงไป เพียงเพื่อแลกกับความรู้สึกที่มี.. แลกกับการได้เป็นอย่างนี้ครั้งนึงในชีวิต.. แลกกับสิ่งที่อาจไม่มีค่าอะไรเลย
ชั่งใจหลายต่อหลายครั้ง แต่ไม่เคยพยายามที่จะผลักดันมันออกไป.. แม้ว่าความคิดเช่นนั้นจะแผ้วพานเข้ามา
คิดจะทำตัวอย่างที่เคย คิดจะทำการพิสูจน์โง่ๆอย่างที่ผ่านมา เพื่อจะบอกตัวเอง เพื่อจะหลอกตัวเองว่า.. "มันก็ไม่เท่าไหร่หรอกว๊าา"
แต่ก็ไม่ได้ทำ..
...เป็นครั้งแรกที่ทำไม่ได้..
...เป็นครั้งแรกที่ไม่อยากทำ...
...เป็นครั้งแรกที่คิดว่า.. ช่างมัน - - ตายเป็นตาย - - ไม่เป็นไรหรอก... ไม่เป็นไร
อาจเป็นแค่ความบ้าส่วนตัว อาจเป็นการกระทำที่หาคำอธิบายไม่ได้เหมือนที่เคย อาจเป็นแค่อารมณ์ชั่ววูบ
แต่ส่วนนึงของเราบอกว่าไม่ใช่
การเป็นสิ่งที่ตัวเองพยายามหลีกหนีมาตลอดช่างน่ากลัวเหลือเกิน
การขาดความเป็นตัวของตัวเองไปเป็นสิ่งที่ไม่น่าอภิรมย์
สิ่งที่เชื่อมั่นถือมั่นมาตลอดกลับถูกทำลายไป
กำแพงที่ก่อขึ้นไว้มานานแสนนานกำลังผุกร่อน
เราแพ้... ราบคาบ
Someone said...
"The journey's long And it feels so bad I'm thinking back to the last day we had. Old moon fades into the new Soon I know I'll be back with you I'm nearly with you... I'm nearly with you When I'm weak I draw strength from you And when you're lost I know how to change your mood And when I'm down you breathe life over me Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny On a clear day.. I'll fly home to you I'm bending time getting back to you Old moon fades into the new Soon I know I'll be back with you I'm nearly with you... I'm nearly with you" October 13 Sweet Agony“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
การได้พบคุณคือสิ่งที่โชคชะตานำพา การได้เป็นเพื่อนกันคือทางที่เลือกเดิน แต่การตกหลุมรักคุณเป็นสิ่งที่อยู่นอกเหนือการควบคุมของฉัน
“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”
ถ้าฉันไม่เคยพบคุณ ฉันคงจะไม่ชอบคุณ ถ้าฉันไม่ชอบคุณ ฉันคงจะไม่รักคุณ ถ้าฉันไม่ได้รักคุณ ฉันคงจะไม่ได้คิดถึงคุณ แต่ทุกอย่างนั้นได้เกิดขึ้น ฉันยังรู้สึกเช่นนั้นอยู่ และจะยังรู้สึกต่อไป Now for something home grown: ขณะนี้บางสิ่งได้เบ่งบานขึ้น
Falling ever deeper into the unknown, (even though you're not here... I dream) ตกลงสู่ห้วงลึกล้ำที่มิเคยได้หยั่งรู้ (แม้ว่าเธอจะไม่ได้อยู่ ณ ตรงนี้... ฉันคิดฝัน)
Beyond the border, and just as suddenly my old bonds flake & shatter, released, stripped away from the wall of 'doubt' shunted up and out by the annihilating abyssal winds that buffet my form, ข้ามผ่านดินแดนอันโพ้นฟ้า ทันใด พันธนาการที่เคยผูดมัดฉันไว้กลับแตกสลาย ถูกปลดเปลื้องจากกำแพงแห่ง “ความกังขา” กลับสับเปลี่ยนพลิกผันด้วยวายุแห่งการทำลายล้างที่โหมปะทะกับความเป็นฉัน..
blasted to the edge of the abyss I peer over the chasm (where is my fear... why do I not recoil from the edge... I dream)
ร่วงหล่นสู่ขอบเหว ฉันจ้องเขม็งไปยังรอยแยก (ความหวาดกลัวฉันอยู่หนใด.. เหตุใดฉันจึงไม่ถดหนีจากริมเหว.. ฉันเพ้อฝัน)
And in that I'm thrown; a rag doll in the eye of a hurricane. Off the cragginess of my own 'reservations'
ในเบื้องนั้น ฉันถูกซัดเหวี่ยง ดั่งตุ๊กตาผ้าในตาพายุ ออกจากความยุ่งเหยิงของสิ่งที่ฉัน “ฉุดรั้ง” ตนเองไว้อยู่
- so violently high-up, into the darkness... and there for that infinitesimal moment; I float and eyes close (In my mind I'm with her)...
มันช่างดุรั้นรุนแรง นำพาฉันไปยังความมืดมิด... และในช่วงเศษเสี้ยวของวินาทีนั้นเอง ฉันหลับตาและได้ล่องลอยไป (ในห้วงคำนึงของฉัน ฉันอยู่กับเธอ)…
The bottomless's request is undeniable, the dark reaches up, that inescapable embrace.
คำขอล้ำลึกเกินหยั่งถึงนั้นเกินกำลังที่จะขัดขืน ความมืดมนที่คืบคลานเข้ามา คืออ้อมกอดซึ่งมิอาจจะหลีกเร้นได้
Down I go... ฉันดำดิ่งลงไป...
Tumble-roll endlessly, hollow acid screams resonate in my chest, yet not a sound issues from my lips.
ร่วงหล่นลงไปไร้ที่สิ้นสุด ความแสบร้อนของความว่างเปล่าก้องสะเทือนอยู่ในอกฉัน ทว่ากลับมิมีวาจาใดเอ่ยเอื้อนออกมา
I open my eyes at last; only to have a distinct lack of panic evaporate. Lord, I AM Plummeting head-long into the eye of that which I fear; Love.
ท้ายที่สุด ฉันได้ลืมตาขึ้น เพียงเพื่อให้ความกระวนกระวายมลายไป พระเจ้า.. อย่างปราศจากความลังเล ฉันได้ร่วงลึกลงไปสู่สิ่งที่ฉันหวาดหวั่น.. ความรัก
Yet still no retreat, no recession... I look upon myself, I am not who I use to be, my form is changed. My soul crafted external, sharpened, diamond-hard lightning.
แต่กลับมิถอนตัว.. มิล่าถอย.. ฉันตระหนักว่า ฉันมิได้เป็นฉันคนเดิม คาวมเป็นตัวฉันได้เปลี่ยนแปลงไป จิตวิญญาณฉันหล่อหลอมอสุนีบาตแกร่งคมราวพัชรขึ้นมา
Impenetrable: a horrid splinter of ghastly light tearing through the ashen belch of the abyssal night. ยากที่จะหยั่งถึง: สะเก็ดอันน่าหวาดหวั่นของแสงไฟแห่งความน่าสะพรึงกลัว ที่แทรกผ่านความซีดเผือดของค่ำคืนที่สุดจะหยั่งรู้
Down I go! She knows my metamorphosis, senses my turning.
ฉันดำดิ่งลงไป! เธอรู้ถึงการแปลงรูปของฉัน สัมผัสได้ถึงการเปลี่ยนแปลงของฉัน
She takes me in her caress... sucks me downward as she heaves me inward. My form erupts in flame. เธอรับฉันไว้ด้วยความรัก... ดึงฉันเข้าไปในยามที่เธอนำพาฉันสู่เบื้องลึกในจิตใจ รูปลักษณ์ของฉันประทุเป็นเปลวเพลิง
Heat friction and sonic speed transform my shape again. With her now, A lance. Ready to pierce the yoke of self-doubt. แรงเสียดทานของความร้อนกับความเร็วเสียงเปลี่ยนสภาพของฉันอีกครั้ง สิ่งที่เธอครองอยู่ขณะนี้คือ โตมร ที่พร้อมจะทะลวงทลายข้อกังขาในตนเองที่ผูกรัดไว้
I strike the bottomless at the base, that which I thought impenetrable, my soul, ruptures I fall in a gush, limp, ฉันปะทะเข้ากับฐานลึกลงไปไร้จุดจบ ไร้เขตแดน ตรงจุดที่ฉันนึกว่าไม่มีวันได้หยั่งถึง อาตมันของฉันสลายออกจากกัน ฉันตกลงไปในวังวน ไร้เรี่ยวแรง
but to my amazement, can it be that the floor of the abyss is soft and fertile... แต่ท่ามกลางความประหลาดใจของฉัน จะเป็นไปได้หรือไม่ว่า แท้จริงแล้ว เบื้องล่างของห้วงเหวลึกนั้นจะอ่อนนุ่มและชุ่มฉ่ำ…
- Benjamin Zac Hildebrand - October 03 Obsession PossessionA beast looming poised in wait just beyond the light of the campfire of my sovereignty. I bury myself in mundane things, vain efforts. So I pray that this possessive monster pass by me as I peer in on the firelight, I see the dancing shapes that tease me with the likeness of u, I crave u... ...Benjamin Zac Hildebrand...
( สัตว์ร้ายปรากฎกายขึ้นเพื่อรอคอยอย่างสงบเบื้องหน้าแสงกองไฟแห่งความเป็นอิสระของตัวข้า ข้าฝังตัวเองไปกับความต้องการทางโลก.. ช่างเป็นความพยายามแสนเปล่าประโยชน์ ข้าจึงภาวนาขอให้ปิศาจร้ายแห่งความปรารถนาที่จะครอบครองผ่านพ้นตัวข้าไปยามที่ข้าเพ่งไปในแสงไฟ รูปลักษณ์ไหวไปมาที่ข้าเห็นกลับยั่วเย้าข้าด้วยความความเหมือนแห่งเจ้า ) Love is as much of an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, But few ever achieve it. Those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it.. And among all, will never ever forget it.. ...Curtis Judalet...
Sometimes u feel like u'v experienced them all.. those ppl approaching u, all schemes they'v used, promises they'v made. U just shrug & sneer 'Men!' U keep ur feet on the ground, u know who u r, u know what u'r capable to. Till the day comes, u turn to be someone u dont know. U start to act in a way that u'r used to dislike, u ARE someone u'r used to run away from. Those words u never enjoy hearing r coming out of ur mouth. Crazy thoughts r running through ur brain, ur hands r shaking, ur body is trembling. U said to urself 'this's not it!'
U'r fooling urself.. u keep repeating something just to make u feel safe, just to make sure u'r not losing it. Just to remind urself NOT to lose it: Not to become what u'r not, Not to do something that isnt the 'normal' u, Not to feel the way u'r not supposed to feel, Not to be able to suffer, Not to let urself go...
Sure this feeling is unusual for u, its something extraordinary.. something special.. something worth crying for. When I deliberated my last teardrop, I then realized something quite shocking. After all this time, for years, I may say, I'v cried for the wrong reasons. When I unavoidably hurt someone I care, I'll cry.. just because their hearts r breaking. My heart might have never really been broken. Obsession and desire might be the true causes of the pain. Needing is suffering, indeed.
I know sometimes I need to cry.. to relieve those feelings within me. But still.. I love my last teardrop, its a wake up call.. it reminds me that, I, too, have a heart! One with an invisible hole but.. hey, at least I chose to.. my call.. in order to know my heart capacity.
Cheers~~ To the feeling I thought I'd never have a chance to get to know.
Funny how I'm willing to take all the pain.. just to be able to feel like this, although another part of me says 'NOO! Dont take that unknown path!'
But what can I say? I'm willing to lose it all just to have something this special.. Something I do know I'v never had before and something I'm sure I'll never have again.. not like this. A unique lil something that can happen only once in a life time.. A magical spell
What do u think? "Take it or leave it? September 17 Torturously AbideDays after days I feel as if something is growing inside of me.. like a blossom.
At first there's nothing but simple gestures in a social gathering, but all of the sudden.. small lil things strike me.
Do u like it when someone u'v just met can read your thoughts?
What does it mean when someone can finish ur sentences,
can answer questions u'r about to ask,
can explain ur ideas to others when u'r thinking about how to express urself,
can even finish the quote u'd like to say but forgot it, for heaven's sake...
or always beat u by a nano second & say the word u'r going to say..
Will u only say to urself "Oh, ok.. nice coincidences"?
That's it?
Dont we love cracking riddles sometimes?
Now it plays trick on me again..
"Be strong," I say..
But if u'r waiting for something for such a long time & it might be right in front of u right now, would ur reaction be like me??
Let's pray that it's just a 'phase' |
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